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EVENTS AND CONFERENCES

 

THE 1999 CONFERENCE

The last UFO conference of the millennium and our last conference at the Lowther Pavilion. The master of ceremonies on the day was our former head honcho, Rob Whitehead. Lionel Fanthorpe was unable to attend and was replaced by Jim Peters who spoke about how UFOs can seriously damage your health (and also met his future wife, Tracie Austin, at the conference)!

 

The year was particularly memorable for Jose Escamilla's "rods", the lager fuelled on-stage performance of Jon Downes and the raucous party back at the Edenfield Hotel afterwards.

 

Here is Andy Robert's recollection of it...

 

TAKING LA-PIS

By

Andy Roberts of Flying Saucery

 

This piece of scurrilous fortean journalism first appeared in issue four of The Armchair Ufologist by Andy Roberts

 

First sight I saw was Jon Downes trying to flog his pathetic wares from behind a desk which was clearly out of proportion to his size. He regaled me with tales of the goings on at the hotel on the previous night......clearly I had missed something as observing ufologists in their social interactions is far more interesting than any stupid stories they hawk round the conference circuit.

 

Jon gives a new meaning to the phrase 'largeing it' and is clearly ufology's answer to Blackadder's Bishop of Bath & Wells. But who has the drawings? All say in a breathy voice "Dear boy, I don't give a flying fuck what you think of me" and rightly so Jon. Great guy, and the only other person in UFOlogy besides Neil Nixon who you can have a cracking conversation about music with. He knows his stuff. Surely by now there should be some form of test whereby if you don't know who, say Mighty Baby are, you aren't allowed to be a UFOlogist?

 

Straight into Jon and Nigel Wright's lecture. This was based on their book Rising of the Moon, a Keelesque romp through various 'paranormal' and UFOlogical events in the south west a couple of years ago. Fascinating I'm sure, but it seemed to me like they'd just stitched any old cobblers together and made an adventure story out of it. Whats more the only visual aid present was the arrival on stage of a four pack of Stella.

 

Apparently Jon had been asked if he needed any visual aids and he (in jest) requested said four pack, The audience gasped at the sheer audacity of the man. Jon just drunk his breakfast and rambled on. Somewhere on the front row you could see a hunched figure in a parka cringing. A thought bubble appeared above his head saying "preposterous, that would never happen at a YUFOS conference and the fat bastard would have to wear a suit anyway", yes it was Graham Birdsall, well out of his natural habitat at someone else's UFO event. Bet he didn't pay for the ticket!"

 

"But what's this? Lurking at the end of the foyer, looking ever so slightly nervous, was Tim Matthews. Tim had to make an appearance because well, because, that's what he does, just so people don't forget him. All you need to know is he was handing out leaflets for some rally or other and acting furtive with Downes - who would have to be in very deep cover indeed for anyone not to spot him.

 

Luckily I caught them flagrantly giving Nazi salutes and I sincerely hope someone uses this as proof that they were there and I had a camera.

 

After dinner we all decanted into the piano room for a few hours of the most bizarre UFOlogical post gig 'fun' I have been present at, and I've been at a few. Simple Beatles songs soon gave way to rock standards belted out by a man who I spoke to much but know only as Dave from geordieland, aided and abetted by a freeflowing permutation of Jon Downes, Nigel Wright, Sir Malcolm of Robinson, and many others including Miss Bott on backing vocals. Louie Louie, Stand By Me, all the UFOlogical classics were trotted out and then it was into Irish rebel songs such as the touching version of The Armagh Sniper delivered by Jon (bar bill for the night £65.00) Downes, now doing a passable imitation of Citizen Caned......the most responsible of us such as Posh UFOlogist, Nick Redfern, merely looked on in disbelief........Matthew Williams skulked in an earnest fashion and then went off to ring his mummy.......we were joined again by the Hull people one of whom was well oiled and confided to all and sundry that he was a bouncer, and kept showing parts of his anatomy whilst questioning the availability of leeches for it. Clearly I was missing the UFOlogical context he was getting at here and his friends eventually took him away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's perhaps best to ignore Jon Downes' frequent and desperate pleas to Irene Bott for something called 'executive relief'. Thankfully Irene is far too expensive for Jon to merit even a look of disdain. Just because he's a media whore and arts editor of the Planet on Sunday (didn't Clark Kent work for them?) it doesn't mean to say he can get away with this sort of behaviour.

 

So, that was LAPIS 1999, it was good and you should have been there. LAPIS also hold the distinction of holding the last UFO conference this millennium (depending, of course on when you believe the next millennium starts). 

 

Singalong: L-R Nigel Wright, Jon Downes, Geordie Dave, Sean from Hull, Janet Walkey, John Nuttall

Pic copyright Rob Whitehead

 

 

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© 2008 LAPIS

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